True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
