My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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