I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
