how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
