Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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