Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he high fived his dick after we had sex
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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