she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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