the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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