I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
