On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
