How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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