I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
