Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
