I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
