oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So here I am, sexting at work.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
