Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
