Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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