Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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