the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
