a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
