I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
