if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
