By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
