Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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