That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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