I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
