I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
