i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
