By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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