: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
