if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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