My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
