i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
