Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
