I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
