Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
