I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I stole a fireplace last night.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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