remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
