Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I cockslap morals
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
