i wish peter jackson would direct porn
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
