During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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