She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
