Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
one might say we're banned from that church
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
