So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
