youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
