I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
