I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
