i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
