My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The uberlube is also flammable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
