now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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