So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
