I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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